Experiments in Barbecuing
An attempt at smash burgers, sprained corn ribs and grilled pepper egg cups
Growing up, our barbecue was a simple hibachi. My mom tended to the steakettes (for the ketchup-squeezing kids) and sophisticated steaks for the adults. Our garage would be instantly infused with that distinct (toxic?) 80s whiff of charcoal lighter fluid. We had a plug-in charcoal heater coil that I’ll never forget as I stepped on it one summer eve in a mad dash across the gravel driveway. The cheater heater was often safely placed there to cool down but on that fateful, searing night it was in the direct path of chasing down my kid sister. I hobbled around for days, choosing to fill my left cowboy boot with ice cubes versus admitting any injury.
We weren’t a barbecuing family by any stretch. My grandfather was known to grill with a garden hose in hand. He often volunteered at the Ontario Pork booth during fall fair weekends but on those occasions he was hose-free and had an entire pig on a spit to contend with.
When I met Kim, I knew she was the yin my burger-loving yang needed. I had zero BBQ history outside of enjoying hibachi fare. Kim had a crash (yes, fiery) course at age 15, when her parents went to Prince Edward Island for the summer. It was the first year she and her older sister had to rely on feeding themselves. Kim mastered grilled chicken by August (after setting the BBQ on fire) and has been fearless since—-preparing blackened catfish, lamb sausages, perfect pork tenderloin and cranberry-studded turkey burgs. Wherever we are, Kim always gets tasked with grill duty. She’s often the one asked to help build them too.
Does this look like a typical team building session? My brother’s boyfriend immediately opted for the backseat with their doodle. This photo looks like a modern day Mennonite barn raising but a Cuisinart BBQ instead. It’s a classic illustration of the class clown, the disinterested, the dumbfounded, the laissez-faire and natural born leader personalities. It was a reality show in the making and my parents’ first mini propane BBQ.
Kim is always game to build things and open to experimentation on the grill. We were both curious about the smash burger phenomena. Are they really a smashing success? We’ve now come to the conclusion that they are best consumed at a food truck or small town diner that has a dish pig on payroll. Our neighbour lent us his beloved smash burger kit complete with griddle and extra-wide spatula (for smashing) to trial.
On that night, we were smashing both mosquitoes and ground beef in equal measure. I didn’t think to take photos because I was busy minding my Swatch and abiding by Kim’s hard and fast rules of three minutes a side, tops.
She smashed them accordingly using parchment between the burg and spatula. We turned our noses up at the suggested American cheese (which allegedly creates the perfect lacey skirt) in favour of generous slices of smoked gouda.
In the end, we were left with a flavourful burger but a greasy griddle. We missed the natural girth of a non-smashed burg. Look at the drippy, lockjaw-inducing size of the Aussie burger in the photo above. Yeah, that’s our messy jam and drip.
Kim really missed the carefree nature of barbecuing in general which requires a quick brush of the cooking grate before each use. Not a labour intensive session using half a container of Dawn dish soap which works miracles on ducks and sea turtles in oil spill disasters—-not smash burger griddles.
Sprained Corn Ribs
We quickly crossed smash burgers off our grill list as a one and done a week after attempting to grill “corn ribs”. This modern take on corn is the cover girl of every notable glossy food and drink mag. Admittedly, I was enticed by corn ribs from the get go. Corn on the cob isn’t something that should be eaten in public or on a first date—-it’s best reserved for toothy cartoon characters like Mickey and Donald knocking them off typewriter-style. The trendy ribs appeared to be ergonomic, manageable and somewhat sophisticated with spicy smoked paprika and chili rubs or Cambodian Kampot peppercorn grinds, parmesan feathers and truffle oil massages.
Pro tip: Plan this meal one-month in advance so you can properly incorporate a strategic corn cob-cutting strengthening exercise program. I routinely slice sweet potatoes for oven-baked fries and had no qualms after husking four cobs. The recipe couldn’t be simpler—-after quartering the cobs lengthwise, kernels are generously rubbed with avocado oil and your preferred spice blend. Or great gobs of garlic butter if so desired.
Cutting corn cobs into quarters is the quickest way to invent new swear words. I employed three different knives and imagined a grisly scene with the local paramedics. I worried more so about a gouge in our laminate facsimile of a natural soapstone countertop that would require more than stitches. It would need to be replaced.
I called Kim in for her superhuman capabilities and she sided with me on the impossibility of the recipe. We agreed, cutting corn ribs required either a 2.5 Amp 9-inch band saw or a samurai sword. We had neither and even with Kim’s biceps (that are double the size of mine) we made an executive decision to make just two cobs worth of corn ribs versus four. Our romantic idea of serving a summery menu of souvlaki, corn ribs and a Greek salad was squashed almost as thin as the above-mentioned smash burgers.
Do not be surprised if you strain your own ribs in the process of preparing these easy-breezy corn ribs. The day after this recipe attempt I wondered if I was having a gall bladder attack but then I remembered the damn ribs. However, we will admit that grilling corn like this does impart a nice char while retaining the juicy burst that we all love surprise-spraying dinner guests on the opposite side of the table with.
Beer Can Chicken Licken
A few years ago I had an article published in Motorcycle Mojo magazine (not the Well-Loved Tales of Chicken Licken). I’m not sure what came first—the beer or the beer can chicken or the motorcycle for the chicken to ride on. The feature was titled “How to Rev Up a Hot Summer Night: Your Guide to Hosting a Private Ride-in Theatre” and included extensive footage of Kim’s grilling confidence. She was critical to my article’s main arc.
On a glamping weekend at Homegrown Hideaway near Port Dover, Kim and I were introduced to Outlawger Pale Ale from Simcoe’s Blue Elephant Artisan Brewer. (*Again, this was all for research purposes!) Dover is synonymous with Friday the 13th and a crazy motorcycle rally that attracts over 100,000 souped up bikes and their leather-clad allies.) Outlawger is a flagship Blue Elephant beer inspired by this frenzy and we were equally inspired by the local love.
I was technically on a separate magazine assignment for Harrowsmith but I’d recently seen an image of La Canuck beer can chicken stand online and all the puzzling puzzle pieces fell into cosmic place. The elephant on a hog beer inspired the purchase of the beer can chicken stand which Motorcycle Mojo readers would go gaga for.
Notes from the test kitchen: Balancing a slippery BBQ-hot whole chicken on a flimsy, mini motorcycle (and preventing it from tipping over in the process) made for a stressful, comical and very greasy photo shoot. That chicken did not want to wear those sunglasses.
After the photo shoot and the article was filed, this motorcycle rode off into the crispy sunset.
Grilled Red Pepper Egg Cups: A Success Story!
Now here’s a fool-proof recipe. It was one that I found at the end of the conveyor belt at Sobeys grocery store on a handy take-home recipe card. The condensed version is this: Split peppers in half, brush them the exterior with olive oil and brush the insides with your favourite barbeque sauce (ie. Diana’s Gourmet Original). Place on the grill cut-side down, flip, add sliced or grated cheese inside the pepper halves and crack eggs into each cup. Grill until the egg white has set—the recipe link above will give you all the proper specs. I’d suggest a dill or jalapeno Havarti, long-legged chives and a side of butter-slapped sourdough. And don’t you dare try to sub green peppers for red! That would be an abomination.
What have you attempted on the grill? Have you tried to make corn ribs? How about smash burgers? Did you have a hibachi growing up? I’d love to grill you on your BBQ successes and flops!
Looks great! I love smoking meat. Smoked a couple pork butts last week, and finishing up eating one of them this weekend!