On Turning Fifty

Is this the year I master the monkey's fist knot, radish roses and the reverse mullet?

I’ve had some lucky dog birthday celebrations around the world. September is our preferred month to split south so there’s often an unconventional birthday twist somewhere around the world. Sometimes it’s Thai food at a rooftop restaurant on the Malecon in Alexandria, Egypt, where Christmas carols play on repeat (yes, “Silent Night” in September!). On one occasion, my birthday included breakfast with cows at Vogafjós in Mývatn, Iceland. The guesthouse’s cowshed café offered a traditional Icelandic breakfast of skyr, hyperlocal cheese and just-squeezed milk from the cows who were just as curious about those drinking lattes (us) while they were being milked in full view.

In 2018, my birthday was spent punch drunk from jangly nerves and jet lag in St. Jean Pied de Port, France. Kim and I had a few days to find our land legs before crossing the mighty Pyrenees along the fabled Camino de Santiago. My confident attempt at ordering dinner at a sidewalk bistro resulted in a massive platter of nothing but cured meat and pepperoncini peppers as hot as dynamite sticks. It was rather perfect but not exactly what I thought I was ordering en français. 

I’m grateful for these extreme birthday experiences and the ones closer to home too. A Nerf football and a Dallas Cowboys sweatshirt totally made my 10-year-old day. That storied year, my mom baked an elaborate multi-tier chocolate cake that replicated the desert planet Tatooine and strategically placed my collection of Star Wars figurines knee-high in icing.

Age 18 was less innocent and spent feeling like a wrecked rock star after drinking Van Halen concoctions all night—I was so grateful that the drinking age in Alberta was 18 prior to the actual night! Van Halen cocktails translated loosely to whatever was found in Jane’s parents’ liquor cabinet in Lethbridge, Alberta, where I was a participant on a student exchange. Both peppermint and peach schnapps were part of the amateur blend and should not be repeated. Admittedly, I was not very participatory the following day when we visited a Hutterite colony to learn how to make soap out of lye and sheep fat. 

Age 19 was a stand-out as I was introduced to Flygirl, my first legit gay bar foray in Vancouver. I can hear the thumpathumpathumpa of Haddaway’s “Baby, Don’t Hurt Me” and k.d. Lang’s “Constant Craving” dance mix in the sweaty punk of the warehouse.

Fast forward a decade or so, my brother Dax memorably and cutely surprised me with a sparkler stabbed in the middle of a Vachon Ah Caramel! snack cake after we had participated in the AIDS Walk Toronto event.

For my thirtieth, I selfishly (and gratefully) gifted myself with a forever-anticipated trip to the Galapagos Islands.

For my 40th, Kim surprised me with very fancy bubbles (Veuve!) at a pseudo redneck driveway party marriage/birthday afterparty hosted by my just-wed sister and her husband in Banff. We caught the last shafts of sun in the Bow Valley with the entire fam and some wise whisky jacks (Canada jays, aka ‘camp robbers’) who were eyeballing our charcuterie spread while we were distracted with champagne toasts.

It’s impossible not to enjoy the film reel in my head of birthdays past, especially the one that involved an actual tug-of-war with a stubborn Vervet monkey who was determined to steal my already-stale pound cake. These monkeys are much sweeter with mangoes in their mouths, hugged by babes!

A night of fireside foie gras and rum potent enough to illuminate our stomachs in Uganda doesn’t need to be repeated but it seemed like the best idea at the time. Getting officially screeched in and kissing the cod in St. John’s, Newfoundland was another birthday no-brainer. Two years ago, my big day goat curry menu in Arusha, Tanzania, was carefully orchestrated by my brave and bilingual Belgian-Congolese friend, Chantal, who drove over 13 hours from Dar es Salaam and found the goat to make it happen.

Last year, there was an absence of foie gras and goat curry. However, as Kim does, she managed to find magic, as she does. I’ve seen her in action around the world. She’s found beers in Muslim countries and elk burgers in an Icelandic blizzard. While Kim is CEO of magic, I am Minister of Finding Humour.

Kim and I could only laugh at the state of our totally dated and depressing accommodations on the Camino Portuguese on the night of my birthday. After trying to worm our way into a half dozen hotels in the jammed beachside town of Redondela, we had no other option but a total time capsule double room complete with an audio-equipped headboard. I’m not talking about USB charging sockets—-this was a headboard Ambaro Music Centre radio with tuning dials and program options straight outta 1962. If it worked, I probably could have listened to Marilyn sing “Happy birthday, Mr. President.”

The bed’s mattress was as slim as a maxi pad and the pillows were really velour throw cushions. Here, we had to request the tiny television’s remote control from the front desk (AND sign a waiver for it). Even though breakfast was included with our posh audio-enabled stay, orange juice was $1 more.

Each birthday (and year) has been a total surprise and while I appreciate spontaneity, I do like to have concrete plans to refer to. Before celebrating, I always knuckle down and curate my annual to-do birthday list. It’s in my hyper Virgo matrix to create lists and upon turning 50, it was a prerequisite! I figured that if I came up with 50 things to do, I’d only have to do one a week and still have two weeks off, right? 

Birthdays are about editing, purging, daydreaming, reevaluating and new curricula. There’s no time for a breakdown, existential crisis or spontaneous electric car purchase when you have a plan. I could whiten my teeth and consider bangs but I want to leave some things to whim. I’m not one to be electrified by cars but this 125cc mini Jeep is quite cute. It’s on our local swap for $2,980. If a mid-life crises seems necessary, I’ll keep the mini Jeep in mind.

*Please note this is a super-customized, highly-specialized list. Do not try this at home! Or if you do, please report back to me on any of the below. I’m here and perennially interested.

My 50 To-Do’s (*in no particular order)

Image credit to my fellow Virgo list maker, spring chicken, author, artist and bon vivant, Signe Langford.

1. Get tattooed at Electric Woodpecker in Tobermory. I have two designs that I’ve been visualizing for years and it’s time to finally cover a tired wrist tat. It’s supposed to read “absorb” but the italics font I initially chose ended up with  weird-looking  b’s and the word looks like absorl not absorb. This wind-up bird design is actually from Rare Machines, an imprint of Dundurn Press. They publish “literary fiction that is playful, unusual, daring, or innovative. It welcomes hybrid forms. It is a place for both the experimental and the polished.” If I were to write a personals ad for myself, it would be identical. Thank god and Taylor Swift, no such personals ad is required as I have a truly trophy wife.

   

2. Sharpen my pencil crayons. I have procrastinated this task for so long that I’m down to a really poor selection of Crayola and Laurentians that still have manageable points on them. I am left with super sharp teal, aqua, raspberry, violet and bronze which will be great for drawing tropical birds or a bowl of fruit I suppose.

3. Visit Little Canada. I love miniaturized things like dune buggy dinky cars and charm bracelet charms (this is not a hint that I want a charm bracelet, I simply admire them!). At Little Canada in downtown Toronto, the country has been shrunk into 45,000 sq. feet (the size of two hockey rinks) complete with a Bay of Fundy and a high tide simulation in a 400L basin. Over 40,000 little figures call it home. You can visit the Littlization Station to get shrunkified into a 3D printed Little Me!

4. Participate in the annual Terry Fox Run. This is an easy one, it’s a September tradition for Kim and I and our local route along Isthmus Bay is a gorgeous one that would employ all the surreal blue pencil crayons in my collection. This event always falls near to my birthday—-we had our annual hot dog with the crowd after the 10km last weekend!

   

5. The G2G Rail Trail! This 132km route and former CP rail line runs between Guelph and Goderich (Ontario) and would make for a pastorally perfect five or six day walk.

6. Paddle the Minesing Wetlands. Located west of Barrie (Ontario), this massive swamp looks like a semi-submerged forest! However, it’s ripe with poison ivy and stinging nettle along the “many unexpected portages.” Minesing is sometimes referred to as the “Everglades of the north” and is home to more than 30 at-risk species like the cerulean warbler and least bittern. It’s also the only known location for the endangered Hine’s emerald dragonfly in Canada!

7. Participate in November’s National Novel Writing Month. November is my preferred month to write books—it’s as grey as cat litter outside and this self-imposed ‘competition’ is designed to really crank out the words. I’ve written four books thanks to this platform which simply encourages writers to sit down, write and track their daily word count for a month.

8. Poke around Greig’s Caves. It’s a weird but universal phenomena. Why is it easier to buy a plane ticket and plot three weeks in Madagascar than driving 20 km to visit the local limestone caves? Reservations aren’t even required!

9. Order a kangaroo loin at Ted’s Range Road Diner in Meaford, Ontario. This kooky Quonset hut resto has a wide range of quirk on their menu. Think bacon-wrapped kangaroo medallions served with a peppercorn wine sauce. Or, think crocodile schnitzel, wild boar chop or bison striploin. Reservations are required!

10. Stay at The Riverbend Vardo in Gooderham, Ontario. A vardo is a Romanian gypsy wagon and this particular boho Airbnb has always tickled my fancy. Kim and I like sleeping in peculiar places and we’ve yet to bunk in a gypsy caravan! Looks like firewood and a watchdog are included!

    

11. Try one of those powerhouse brain coffees at The Wellness Refinery in Sauble Beach, Ontario. The Mushroom Coffee is an Americano spiked with medicinal chaga, turkey tail, lion’s mane, reishi and cordyceps. On return visits I’d try the Goddess Latte (beetroot, cold-pressed ginger juice, rose, raw honey, house nut milk) and Golden Latte (turmeric, cinnamon, nutmeg, black pepper, ashwagandha, maca, raw honey, house nut milk).

12. Learn how to make wax seals for my aristocratic correspondence. I’ve long admired the regal-ness of a wax seal on an envelope. I found a solid tutorial and snickered when I read that an ice pack was a required material. I thought the ice pack would serve as a ready first aid treatment but it’s actually used in the sealing process. 

13. Read more about encaustic painting. Speaking of things to do with hot wax, this technique of painting with wax always lures me in. At our local art studio shows I’m a sucker for the encaustics. The paint is a combination of beeswax, pigment and a small amount of hardener (dammar resin or carnauba wax). I’m not sure if I’m ready to commit to it but I’m curious.

14. Invest in a pie iron to up our campfire snack game! It’s basically a portable Snackmaster/sandwich maker/ jaffle maker (if you’re an Aussie). Anything can be sandwich-ified in the pie iron and Kim and I adore our Krups panini maker. You can make pocket pizzas, stuffed French toast or, wait for it: garlic bread and spaghetti sandwiches.

15. Watch Casablanca. I know, I haven’t. How? Well, it’s on Crave for a start, and we only subscribe to Netflix and Prime. My friend Chantal (the Tanzanian goat curry curator) lived in Casablanca. Mostly I want to see the scene where Bogart says, “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.”

16. Buy a bottle of Tarsier Southeast Asian Dry Gin. Tarsier is made with “signature and traditional botanicals, such as Calamansi and Thai sweet Basil as well as juniper, coriander and Angelica.” With aromatic notes of herbs and ginger, this is a feel-good gin as 10% of the profits are donated to tarsier conservation. The label alone is magnetic!

    

17. Visit Paducah, Kentucky. It’s a UNESCO-designated Creative City (one of nine in the United States). My brother had an interview for a Director of Genomics position at the University of Lexington this week so my fingers are semi-selfishly crossed.

18. Eat butter-bombed popcorn at the Hanover Drive-in Theatre. My family grew up a few corn fields behind the Sunset Drive-in in Brantford. We could train our binoculars on the grainy screen and pick up the audio on our walkie talkies.  It’s just a nostalgic thing and these theatres are becoming as rare as hen’s teeth as they say.

19. Fly Porter Airlines! For once, you’re not punished for choosing economy seats—and there are NO middle seats. Their “famous flying refined experience” always includes complimentary premium snacks like tamari almonds, zesty cheddar roasted fava beans, milk chocolate shortbread along with free Canadian craft beer and wine served in real glassware.

20. Visit Planet Jellies at the Ripley’s Aquarium of Canada in Toronto. Ripley’s Believe it or Not! was must-watch television as a kid! The documentary series and brand was inspired by Robert Ripley and “his travels across the globe searching for extraordinary people, unusual artifacts, and unbelievable things.” What a fab MO!

21. Learn how to make a monkey’s fist knot. It’s a favourite of our sailing die-hard friend, Troy, and you just never know when you’ll need such a thing!

22. Read more about the history of snow globes. I don’t have any and don’t particularly want any but I like the whimsy of them and often wonder who the mastermind was.

23. Take an online course through Cornell Lab’s Bird Academy. There are a few classes that spark my neurons about the world of owls, hummingbird behavior and the hidden life of the American Crow.

24. Go to a roller derby! Let’s be clear, I do not want to personally derby and skin my elbows and knees into raw raspberries but I’d love to watch the mayhem in person.

25. Try making radish roses. Why not? Kim doesn’t like them so I’ll be eating the entire bouquet. I made flowers out of egg cartons one crafty weekend so I’m confident on this edible rosary.

    

26. Try origami. World Wildlife Fund has online patterns and DIY instructions for 16 animals—I’ll see what will unfold by attempting the shark and rhino.

27. Felt a sloth! No, I don’t mean feel a sloth—felt one! I have zero interest in crocheting or knitting BUT have you seen some of the neat little felt likeness you can make by needle-felting? Whatever that means? There’s also something called amigurumi (it’s like next-level 3D crocheting that often results in a small animal or doll).

28. Watch Gentleman Jack series so my friend Leslie doesn’t permanently disown me. It’s also on Crave (so I can double down on Casablanca).

29. Get tickets to the Banff Centre Mountain Film and Book Festival so my sister doesn’t start sending me hate mail! She’s begged us to come and stay and binge in Banff during the annual fest.

30. Make cilantro pesto. I clipped a recipe from the Bonaire weekly and this simple-as-all-get-out pesto is a blend of cilantro, cashews, olive oil, feta, parm and Bonaire sea salt (and we brought some souvenir salt back for my mom!). We need a food processor though. I noted Kim’s dismay in our recent garlic-infused margaritas that were a result of my chickpea burger blending a month before.

31. Bake Cuba Libre Blondie Brownies. Better yet, farm the recipe out to my mom. These marbled brownies are infused with Coke, spices, rum and lime. I haven’t had a brownie for seven years. My last rum and Coke was probably a decade ago BUT I do like fun hybrid recipes.

32. Shake dill pickle martinis. It’s not complicated: 2 oz vodka, ¾ oz dry vermouth and ¼ oz baby dill pickle brine with a dill on a cocktail pin for garnish.

33. Try that easy avocado pudding recipe once and for all! 

34. Stop collecting recipes that fuel unrealistic fantasies. For example: Filipino spring rolls, gingerbread-crusted bacon, Mexican chilaquiles, jerk jackfruit roti.

35. Visit the St. Edmund’s Museum in Tobermory, Ontario. Mostly, I’d like to see the log cabin (circa 1875) that was moved to the museum grounds in 1971. The upstairs floor of the museum is dedicated to marine history, shipwreck tales and nautical maps.

36. Do the Lake Superior Loop. Kim is always so agreeable to my whims, radical plans and menu choices (*exception: roasted pigeon in Egypt). She is really keen on doing this circle. Superior is one of the Great Lakes which means it’s a Great Big Loop and a lot of driving but Kim’s vision includes a sleek Teardrop trailer rental that would eliminate setting up camp and inflating and deflating our Queen mattress two dozen times along the way. The Teardrop looks something like this but smaller. Like, half the size. A size that’s more suitable for traveling guinea pigs but probably tolerable with a fireside IV drip of cab sav.

    

37. Visit the Cheltenham Badlands. Located in Caledon, Ontario, this 450 million year old ancient sea bed landscape is a geological history book and so bizarre for our province. 450 million years ago at the bed of an ancient sea. The iconic ridge and gully of Queenston Shale could have doubled as a Star Wars planet!

38. Stay in one of the former ranger cabins at Algonquin Park. Kim’s not keen on the combo of a nylon tent and bear country so these rustic and historical cabins would be a cool way to experience Algonquin.

39. Try sprouting an avocado pit again. My mom and bro have grown all sorts of things from scratch including pineapples and lime trees. I gave up too soon on my avo plantation.

    

40. See the Canadian Bushplane Heritage Centre in Sault Ste. Marie (Ontario). It’s an old Northern Exposure-inspired fantasy. Remember Maggie O’Connell the bush pilot (played by Janine Turner)? I’d like to re-watch that series, come to think of it. Bonus: All six seasons are on Prime! I’d like to revisit the fictional town of Cicely, Alaska to see what resonated with my 16-year-old self.

41. Visit the Canadian Canoe Museum in Peterborough, Ontario. There are more than 600 vessels in the collection including Haida dugouts, a qajaq (kayak) built in Iqaluit and Bill Mason’s famed red Prospector.

42. Listen to more of The Blue Nile band, Annie Lennox’s favourite! I still rely on my first iPod shuffle soundtrack from 2005 but I’ll make an effort expand and tap into more Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds too.

43. Get a Goldfish Plant! Not a goldfish–a goldfish plant! They look like a dozen of those cheddar Goldfish crackers growing on stems!

44. Read Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Gamus because everyone says so. 

45. Read Raynor Winn’s Landlines. It’s an account of her remarkable 1,000 mile walk from Scotland’s Cape Wrath trail to the South West Coast Path. Her previous memoir, The Salt Path was head-shakingly unbelievable. Books about exceedingly long walks seems to be my default category as of late. When I’m feeling extra ambitious I’ll get to my copy of Keith Richards’ Life. It’s 576 pages and I’m just coming off James A. Michener’s The Drifters (752 pages!).

46. Try to find an equilibrium in the number of book titles I add to my to-read list vs. have-read list.

47. Work on my reverse mullet. (*This is also a test to see if my wife has read this far.) Kim permitted me to have a rat’s tail during Covid only because I promised to clip it off when RAT tests were no longer required for us to travel. She’s not jazzed about mullets but the tellum or reverse mullet is a trending hairstyle where your hair is grown longer in the front vs. back, opposite of the mullet but similar to the mullet. I like having hair goals.

    

48. Indulge in my motel revivalist fantasy by simply enjoying the success of others at The June Motel in Sauble Beach, Ontario. This week we celebrated my birthday in the finest form (smashing form, actually) at the motel’s retro Heydays restaurant with decadent smash burgers. You can actually watch the revival unfold on Netflix in a series called Motel Makeover.

49. Get a massage already. My last massage was in Bali, circa 2022, and this is extremely embarrassing for a former massage therapist to admit. I sense that Kim and I will be asking Dr. Quist, our local chiropractor, to move in after our return from bouncing around western Madagascar for three weeks in October. My back already feels like it’s constructed out of sandpaper and a discount set of miscellaneous vertebrae purchased on Amazon.

50. Count my lucky stars for Kim, our home sweet home, an awesome fam and our friends that add the true sparklers to my cake.

    

    My parents bought me a single slice of La Rocca lemon mousse cake knowing an entire cake would be lost on me. It was sliced evenly into four “prison-ration portions” (according to my mother).

    Thank you to everyone who has celebrated with me around the world and every day, really. I now thrust the challenge upon you to create your own birthday list. I’m obsessive with list-making so it certainly doesn’t have to match the numbers of your age. Just have fun with it. You can borrow a few ideas from mine because who doesn’t want a smash burger, a fun bottle of gin and a goldfish plant?

Tell me, what did you do on your 50th? 30th? 60th? Tell me about whatever birthday was most memorable. Whatever birthday you’re celebrating, be sure to fill your blank page with lots of bold colour and stories and laughs that fall outside the margins. Now, where is that pencil sharpener of mine?