Surprising Things Learned in Scotland

From the country's love affair with halloumi to roadside defibrillators

A quick word association game with Scotland is a no-brainer. The country is synonymous with shortbread, curling rocks, deep-fried Mars bars, St. Andrews, Scotch eggs, Highland cattle, Ewan McGregor, Trainspotting and Annie Lennox.

From Edinburgh to the Isle of Skye, we covered a lot of ground—-most of it was like hiking across a quarry, not the boggy swamp we imagined. And, we actually saw the sun set. Who knew Scotland had a sun? The silver feather of twilight lingered well past 10:30 p.m. which appeased my already deeply steeped night owl tendencies.

Kim and I expected trench foot. We brought two pairs of trail runners each, ready for the soupy hikes and soggy socks. Dare I brag that it only rained on us for three hours? Naturally, it was on our descent of the daunting Ben Nevis, the tallest mountain in the United Kingdom at 1,345 meters.

The summit had a pocket of grainy snow and a fog that blotted out anything further than an arm’s reach but the 7.5 hour slog was an awesome challenge (*please see image of never-ending rock Stairmaster above and below).

It was here that I reconnected with a forgotten love: Branston pickles. My Ploughman’s sandwich had been well-smooshed but the combo of cheddar, rockets and generous spread of Branston’s next-leveled my 2°C picnic. I decided then and there that I would forage for this pickle product upon return home (Editor’s note: SUCCESS).

I had recently made note that our local Foodland was showcasing a few shelves of British products. I sensed Branston in my very near future, on everything. For those who are unacquainted, it’s a curious blend of rutabaga, carrot, cauliflower, date paste, barley malt vinegar and apple pulp. If you’re a fan of crazy combos (hello Dr. Pepper fans) it’s a palate profile all of its own. If your Dr. Pepper history traces back to childhood, super fans have approximated its 23 flavours amaretto, almond, blackberry, black licorice, caramel, carrot, clove, cherry, cola, ginger, juniper, lemon, molasses, nutmeg, orange, prune, plum, pepper, root beer, rum, raspberry, tomato and vanilla.

On this theme, air time has to be given to the quirky crisps we crunched our way through from Pitlochry to Fort William. We’re talking creamy forest mushroom, chardonnay wine vinegar & sea salt, grouse and whinberry, piri piri chicken, Peking duck and seaweed, char-grilled steak, pepperoni, pimento, grilled bacon, ham + mustard and my kryptonite, pickled onion. In this country, crisps could be a food group of their own.

Scotland knows how to nail flavours and hybridize anything, especially haggis. Menus offered haggis bonbons, burgers, nachos and spring rolls. At Bertie’s in Edinburgh, the crispy haggis spring rolls shatter at first bite. Dunk them in a sweet chili sauce and it’s game over. We also found haggis-spiced chocolate bars and haggis in a can.

While haggis twists were an easy find, Highland cattle were as elusive as unicorns. Our guide went out of her way to track them while we nursed beers in the twinkly twilight at a guesthouse on the fringe of Portree. In Uganda’s Bwindi Impenetrable National Park, this is commonplace. Rangers routinely search for gorilla troops for those lucky to have a secured permit to track them that day. But Highland cow tracking? Kim and I see two of them when we drive one hour south to Owen Sound. I expected to see a Serengeti wildebeest type herd of them at every turn! Sheep proved to be an acceptable facsimile.

Red squirrels were a total scratch on our list. I’d read about the devastation of Squirrelpox, habitat defragmentation and the bullying non-native grey squirrels pushing the red population out but Kim and I walked through a lot of forest and there was not a single chitter. Yes, we have red squirrels here at home but not with the fancy tufts of hair on their ears like their Scottish cousins twice removed! I was rather happy to find this fun elderflower hamster beer label though.

While we spotted 24 bird species, there was just one European robin. One! In Spain and Portugal, these cheery robins followed us along the length of the Camino with encouraging song. However, we did see three wild pheasants and that was reassuring as I had counted more than 20 taxidermied versions in century-old inns and dim pubs.

It was a surprising safari of sorts if we were to count the obstinate cows (not Highland) that blocked the roadways. There were hundreds of lambs. Cuckoos echoed across the verdant valleys. We saw stag deer, a bloated colony of harbour seals on Loch Coruisk, carnivorous plants (sundew and bitterwort), slippery beefy slugs on the trails and an Evil Knievel motorcade making their way from John O’Groats to Land’s End).

There were so many cool vehicles hugging the skinny roads from tartan-topped Mini Coopers to intimidating ReDefenders, cars smaller than my wingspan, well-stickered overlanders and surfer vans. Get this: If you stop at a whisky distillery in your travels and you’re the designated driver, the distillery will funnel samples into small take-away bottles for you to safely enjoy later! So civilized.

Other civilized items of interest: the dog-friendliness is unreal. Businesses quickly learned that they had to cater to a new wave of clientele who had chosen pets, not children. Both are welcome everywhere though I sense pets are preferred.

In chats with our vibrant local guide, Beckie, we learned that kids in Scotland dig holes to Australia, not China! I wonder when this great divide switches countries? Tiny tot Scots also learn how to curl and lawn bowl at a wee age. Rural kids have “snow contacts” close to their school in the event that busses can’t navigate the roads. Snow sleepover! Imagine!

Other surprises included the country’s infatuation with halloumi. It’s on every menu and every item. Perhaps the number of Defibrillators (housed in repurposed phone booths) run parallel with this love?

From prosecco pong at an Inverness bar to monster venison burgers (three actually) to rhubarb gin, Scotland was a remarkable romp.

Our flight home with British Airways was a flying miracle. I listened to an episode of Great Scot featuring Annie Lennox and had the best plane food ever. That is a sentence as rare as red squirrels in Scotland. We had perfect paneer makhani with courgette, pilaf and a Brewdog IPA. We’re kind of ruined now.

Have you been to Scotland? I’d love to hear what surprised you most! Please don’t lose faith in me because I’m not an Outlander or Game of Thrones or Harry Potter fan. We can still talk halloumi and whisky!